Bitter Knitter

My high hopes (unreasonable expectations) each holiday season leave me worn and tattered striving to ensure everything I do is "enough". My roommate and I hung our Holiday greenery pictured here:

It fit in well with our living room decorating aesthetic. We are going for "Female Elks Lodge" and the bustier, like the trophy heads of innocent woodland creatures, hangs in our living room above our "fireplace", which some may mistake for "wall heater". I'm particularly fond of the recycled Mardi Gras decorations hanging scandalously from the décolletage.

I survived some Chariots of Fire-esque marathon knitting this year, but quite a few gifts were sporting needles on Christmas morning. With a few noted exceptions, like the scarf for the brother who blocks out the sun, I knit hats. Then I re-knit hats. Then I had a sleep deprived flashback to prior holiday experiences of knitting hats that were still too small for my large-headed kin and I re-knit them a third time. Take for example, my version of the Sideways Ribbed Cap:



This photo, taken right before its final frogging shows a crown too shallow to fit my sister's head. I highly recommend the pattern. It's simple, charming with a refreshing construction and unlike my inspired version no frogs involved. I will knit the original pattern again as soon as my copy materializes...
Last night's Sip and Stitch was refreshing as well. There were many comrades in the same predicament: modifications to gifts as well as finishing touches. A few fresh yet frustrating new projects as well:



Don't you just feel her pain?
I know I felt it. My little perdition knit was the scarf for my beloved brother the freak (I only feel love and adoration for him I assure you) who requested a black fingering weight scarf. I instead chose to knit a worsted weight camel and cashmere keyhole scarf. Knit lengthwise, I was...uh... er am, in the process of connecting one side to itself leaving a handy loop at one end that allows the other end to tuck through. Clever and manly which is important for the man about town.
It was a very bitter knitter who discovered that she pulled the ultimate rookie move. She didn't check the scarf before she started sewing it, nor as she sewed it. No dear reader, she only realized the scarf was twisted when she ran short of cashmere yarn. About five yards short.

Bitter Bitter Bitter Now for my happy place.

While I get in touch with my inner knitter, I encourage the faint and nauseous to explore a fiber happy place.

Stay tuned dear reader, reporting from the remote yarn farms of Aichi prefecture, Japan our own earnest junior reporter, Fyberduck with an in-depth review on the current Noro sock situation.

5 days late and, uh, a barrel short?

[Bad blogger, no cookie, I know. ]

BUT, our Sip'n'Stitchers will be thrilled (I hope so, anyway) to know that we rounded up over 100 lbs worth of food for the Oregon Food Bank on Dec 20th! I even managed to take a picture that doesn't really show our achievement:

[I know, it's a special talent.]

But, I put in the OFB label with an arrow so you'd know that the barrel o' foodstuffs really was there and got filled close to the brim. It has since been taken away and hopefully the food been distributed to those who need it.

Go knitters! I have to admit to being impressed. Several knitters dropped by just to donate to the OFB. They had other commitments, but made the time to cross town and help out. The Harlot's right, knitters tend to be a generous breed.

I am so proud of you guys!

Next time [read: week]: Our upcoming large-scale fundraiser for Heifer International! Get ready to do something amazing come the New Year. And, oooh, a look at sock yarn...

turning heels, left and right

Tonight's Guest Blogger?

(drumroll...)

fyberduck!

Since it was my slightly insane idea to start a sock group, I figure I should post about it. To get us started, here's a nice picture:

And here's me trying to fill space...

Okay, okay. The group was much larger than expected, to our delight, and quite the handful. I had to protect the new Noro sock yarn on more than one occassion. And the Lorna's? Well, you don't want to know.

Still, it was fun, and we literally had to kick knitters out to close the shop at 8 pm. I have an inkling we'll definitely be doing this again after the holidays. Maybe even weekly once I figure this whole organizing thing out.

Pimps versus Pushers

*sigh*

The scene:
My desk.

State of mind:
Calmly recuperating from the monthly trauma knows as "The Newsletter", cuppa tea in hand. The blepharospasm on my right and palsy in my left arm were slowly dissipating.

Enter stage right:
Secret Gay Husband* and my office mate Ninja.

The accusation:
Blogging Yarn Pimp.

The reaction (inside my head):
"Why I never!" and "Who do they think they are?" and "Do they know who they are talking to?" and also "People who have time to criticize obviously have too much time on their hands and are desperately in need of some menial manual labor. Perhaps something that involves tinking 5000 yards of lace weight mohair would be in order."

The reaction (in real life):
"Really You didn't like the blog post because you thought (cue sound in echo effect) the all knowing list was a shameless plot to hock yarn?"

Their point:
When I refer to (cue sound in echo effect) the all knowing list like I'm yodeling from a precipice on the Grand Canyon, it seems a tad shameless.

The explanation:
I was trying to look out for my peeps because I know what it feels like to be a much loved recipient of, uh... creative holiday presents. (Seriously, do not buy one of those for your fifth grader. She'll just think you're tetched)
It was my intention to offer an aid for the lost souls of the land frantically buying willy-nilly for their yarn lovers. A map of delicious goodness that they could give that was sure to please.
Honestly, there are folks out there who are suffering with indecision and I think it high time the madness stops.

The concept:
I prefer the concept of myself as "Yarn Pusher" versus "Yarn Pimp". Pimps don't have heart. They are only looking out for themselves and their investments. I don't mind if people think of me as the fiber equivalent of that sweaty guy down the hall in college who had the cloud that leaked from underneath his door and who proffered chugs from his beer-bong while he played Pink Floyd as the soundtrack to The Wizard of Oz in an eternal loop.

That guy was a yahoo-hippie, but he was always friendly, generous, and always made sure everyone was having a good time.

Limitations:
Now, those who know me and or have met my pet Stash, know I have what some term as "a weakness" for the sock yarn. I don't think of it so much as a weakness but as a deep yearning. A hunger so powerful, I swoon a bit as I pass by the sock wall in the store.
But I recognize there are boundaries. Namely, a life expectancy that (most-likely) won't extend beyond ninety-five, a formidable appetite for sock yarn, a muscular and healthy limb of sock yarn on Stash, and a landlord who demands I pay Stash's money for rent every month.

I can't do it alone. Try as I might, I cannot own all the yarn myself.
The magical solution:
So, I figure sharing is the best way to spread the love (and the yarn) around. If I can't own it and call it my own, then my neighbor should. If I have an extra can of soup and someone is hungry, logic dictates I share what I can to help those around me.

Here's what you can do:
Just as my neighbor should take the poor scared little yarn home to love and cherish, we should all open up our pantries and take a can (or two or three) and pass it on to someone who could use it. If you just scored a righteous bargain on whosits or whatsits while shopping, take the cash you saved and go load up at the grocery store. Go ahead, you save more when you buy in bulk anyway.
Participate in the food drive tonight at Stitch and Sip where you can also give homeless yarn a new fleece on life as a knitted charity donation.
You can't make it tonight? No worries, join in the fun and knit socks (or other stuff, we won't judge) on Monday nights with the sock addicts group, uh... er sock knitter's group. If you need motivation just read this testimonial from Fyberduck:

... we interrupt your normal blogging for an important YarNews Flash:

Noro Kureyon sock yarn!

Knit/ Purl now has Noro Kureyon sock yarn in stock!

Yes, you read correctly, Noro Kureyon sock yarn. Much like our familiar friend Kureyon, this new sock yarn is single-ply, thick-and-thin, and features loooong, vibrant color repeats. Unlike the traditional Kureyon, this is 30% nylon for durability and knits up at 7.5 sts/ inch on 3mm DPNs. For more information, check out our 7 new colorways or drop by the store :)

Posted by Fyberduck at 11:31 AM

The Sally Struthers:
...Didn't that just open up the cockles of your heart and make you feel gooey inside? Does it feel like you need to give some Kureon a good home? What about the food? You were planning on starting that diet at the beginning of the new year so and drop off some nutritious food tonight or throughout the year for the Oregon Food Bank.


* My Secrect Gay Husband has a new requirement in his contract: any reference of his title must include a link to his picture.

The List

Hello friend.

You might wonder why someone sent you a link to this blog. Allow me to explain.

There is a special someone in your life who likes yarn, tools in which to play with yarn, and other fiber-related tshatshkes.

Now this person has assured me they have been a very good fiber-loving person all year long and although they thought your gift last year was superb (they cherished it and gave it the adoration in which it deserves), they think it is time to change things up a bit.

Your fiber lover also understands that you may fear the place that sells yarn. You may have battled terrible knit-mares for years that involved itchy sweaters in tragic colors, a virulent attack of sock monkeys, or losing your best friend in a fiber-related calamity. We understand.

That's where (cue sound in echo effect) the all-knowing list comes in. It's like the wizard of Oz, but only better because you don't have to travel with a bunch of yahoos to get the information you seek. Not only that, you can also purchase everything from (cue sound in echo effect) the all-knowing list over the phone (866-656-KNIT it's toll free!) or on-line. It's just that simple.

Here are a dazzling array of items that lovers-of-the-fiber-named-yarn enjoy:

1) Herbal Alchemy’s Knitters’ Hand Balm, because every hand gets dry now and then
2) Lantern Moon’s Peppermint Tape Measure sure it's cute, but it's also easy to spot in a dark knitting bag
3) Knit Purl Gift Cards it's the gift that keeps on giving
4) Clover’s Mini Bamboo Crochet Hook a tool to pick up dropped stitches that even James Bond would approve of
5) Lantern Moon Knitting Needles a little luxury from a socially responsible company
6) Addi Turbo Lace Needles your fiber lover swears they won't go all "attack of the knitter" with the extra pointy tips
7) Shawl Pins by Knit Purl, Rowan, or Creative Designs Unlimited so your fiber-lover can show off their creations in style
8) No Rinse Soap by Soak or Eucalan it not only cleans hand wash and other delicate items without rinsing, it smells good too
9) Small Bags by Lantern Moon or Large Bags by ShibuiKnits to carry all their fiber
10) Yarn go ahead, just pick one because your fiber-lover has 120 days to exchange it.

Your fiber-lover wishes to express their appreciation in advance for your considerate and thoughtful holiday purchase. They know this time you both will be happy with the result of your wise decision.

Sincerely,

The Blogger

P.S. Look at all of the happy lovers-of-the-fiber-named-yarn enjoying their creations. Don't you want yours to feel that way too?

Fiber Whupped

So here’s what happened. Mind you, I have precious few memories of the whole episode as, tragically, when overly nervous my brain takes a trip to “my happy place” where the pool boy Hoanui, plies me with lovely little island umbrella drinks…

Anyway, they arrived in the late afternoon, carrying with them an assortment of metal bin/steamer trunk like things. It was impressive. They could’ve had Jimmy Hoffa in those trunks they were so huge. I think I’ve moved friends who owned less.

The gentlemen in the crew were… well, they were gentlemen in every sense of the word. Their attributes spanned the gamut of polite, funny, mindful, and engaging. However, it was all a ploy to lower everyone’s defenses because they Houdini-ed out equipment to film at Sip and Stitch. It turns out the trunks contained a cameras the size of well fed emus and some of those lights they used in World War II to search for enemy planes. Somehow, I had imagined a couple of guys, one with a headset and a microphone and the other with a video camera, all “America’s Funniest Home Video” like. Not so much.

Waves crashing in the distance with the heady aroma of Coppertone wafting on a breeze…

Instead, their equipment was the good stuff. The kind that captures every detail, like what that leftover lunch mystery is in your teeth, your pores, your DNA, your soul.

“I require darker sunglasses Hoanui. And, can you have more mango brought please?”

Everyone at Sip and Stitch looked a bit more sparkly than normal, but I suppose the threat of television airtime does that to people. It was hissy-freakin’-sterical to see the pained expression on peoples faces once they felt the omnipotent presence of video camera upon them. It’s that look you get on your face when you bump into someone out of context out in the wild and you know you should know who they are, mainly because they call you by name, but also because they look vaguely familiar. I would feel bad for everyone (myself included), but we all knew about it and we all showed up anyway.

“Fearless Leader” was in rare form. Our favorite boyfriend, Rich the ever tranquil UPS man, brought us presents that afternoon. He brought the Kauni and Art Yarns Cashmere 5. High homina factor all around. For dramatic emphasis, Fearless Leader waited until mid-evening and then whipped out the delicious new goodness in much the same way Bruce Lee introduced his mortal enemies with the nunchucks. We were powerless to the fiber whuppin’ she gave us. Serious fiber whiplash all around. I wonder if they filmed the collective moans of delight and desire? Aak, the filming! The trauma!

There is a melodious “Tra-la, tra-la” sung from the child-like mouths of the rare Cocktail Cherubs whose wings resemble butterflies. They flit and flutter along the beach looking for thirsty souls. My Sidecar glass is never empty…

Let us begin first with the beauty that is Kauni. Lovely toothy wool that is perfect for Fair Isle, it slowly shifts in color. Just imagine all the traditional Scandinavian color work in Technicolor. It’s just like when Dorothy opens the front door of the farmhouse just as she’s landed and all of Munchkin Land is brightly shining to greet her. Egad it’s lovely.

Katie, our resident Estonian taught us all (sorta-kinda) how to pronounce Kauni.. Let’s practice, shall we? Say it with me:
“Kauni”
Once again with confidence this time.
“Kauni!”
One more time for the folks in the back!
“Kauni!”

See? It’s not hard at all once you get the hang of the diphthong.

Now, the people who make Art Yarns Cashmere 5… what can I say? Pure unadulterated yarn p0rn is in every (luxury) fiber of their being. You can think of them as the “Larry Flint” of the yarn world. People had some serious withdrawal issues just by touching the fluffy little love bundles of wonderment.

I won’t lie, I succumbed. My palms were sweaty and I had the yarn shakes bad. Something needed to give, and it seemed my pocket book was the weakest link in the whole affair. Lookie:

I’m knitting a Mobius earwarmer/headband for the mother unit based upon the life affirming knitting craziness of Kat Bordhi. (You should check out her book if you are confused. You’ll be more confused by the end but in the good way.)

Last night as I was knitting, I found myself pulling a Doreen Larkin:

“Who’s the pretty yarn? That’s right, you’re the priddy, priddy yarn! Yes you are!”

That kind of behavior does not settle well with a Muggle roommate suspicious of the dark art of knitting (Mine near-immediately accused me of trying to felt something. She’s got some felt-phobia issues.) Although I’m not the fan of the variegated yarn, I do have a deep and undying love if it pools or flashes. Love it. Love it. Love it. Hmm. I think I’ll incorporate that into my place of happy.

As I knit from the endless ball of yarn, I notice the magic handiwork of the Goddesses of Variegation: striking lightning bolts of color sweep across my knitted cashmere canvas…

It was a great evening and I felt confident my knitting project was intriguing and colorful while still being recognizable. (I went with the hat project for dad. 2x2 rib skull cap in a mash up of Joseph Galler Prime Alpaca and Great Big Sea by Hand Maiden). I’m pretty confident (read delusional) I’ll finish all (read most) my holiday presents on time this year.